doreyt

Weighed and measured tonight. I didn’t even read last months measurements before I went tonight to see if I went down or not. I have to pull them out and read them. I know I didn’t go down in weight. I weighed more. 138ish more to the 139 side. I just had eaten dinner and I knew it would be high, but I weighed anyway. Trainer girl asked why I do that to myself. It’s just natural. I’m also pmsing and know in a few weeks once I get my period I will drop a couple of lbs. I feel bloated today. It will come off. Last nights drink and food didn’t help either I’m sure.

Trained tonight at 8:00 p.m. with trainer girl. It was good. There wasn’t a lot of people there. I didn’t take one break. I didn’t complain once. I did everything she asked me to do. It went so fast the training. She said it was the best work out yet, but she has said that before. At one point in the conversation she asked why I was so focused and I told her that I only have two more months to get this done. She was like before the cruise and I was like yes before the cruise, but no for training with you. She said I’d get there, and I agreed with her. I don’t know if I feel that way in my heart though. I don’t know if I can get there. I’m trying so hard. This week was really a test of my motivation and determination to get my big butt to the gym. Not sure I can do it on my own for the rest of my life. I need someone to be there for me, someone to be accountable to. Someone that is expecting me to show up and workout with.

After training because it went so fast, (she took off-has kids and all that stuff), I felt so sad. She did ask if I was going to run some more and told her no I was going to go home. She asked what I did this week and I told her. She said I did good tonight and to take off. If she was like you should do more cardio I probably would have stayed. I’m glad she didn’t push it though. I am tired. I am going to sleep well tonight.

I should be happy. Work is going well. I got my butt to the Y on my own this week. I am going on a cruise in May. I look good in my clothes lately. I don’t know why I feel all this tension and depression. I want it lifted and I want to be able to feel happy and free. Sunday is usually my day of peace and relaxation. I can’t wait for Sunday to come. I am going to go take a bath and relax tonight too. I need to get to bed soon. Maybe tomorrow I will go for a pedicure and manicure to feel pampered. I am thinking of getting acrylic nails again. I know how unhealthy they are for your nails but they look so nice when they are done right. Just one more expense to add to the many I already have. Nope, not going to do it. I’ll just give myself a manicure and get the pedicure done professionally. Yeap, good idea.

I’m gonna go for now. Hope all of you have a good weekend buddies. I’ll talk to you later.

The other day when I was at the Y I got an invitation to go out to a restaurant for appitizers 1/2 late at night from one of the trainers. He’s married and just a nice guy. A bunch of people from the Y were going. I am so shy and not a people person. I couldn’t decided if I was going to go or not. I always feel like I don’t belong and just sit there looking stupid. I let the time pass until it was 10:30 and then decided ok, I’ll give it a try. I won’t meet anyone at my house. I got ready and went. I got there and no one was there that I knew from the Y. I stalled and went to the bathroom and I thought since I got there later then they said…they said between 9:30 and 10:00. I didn’t get there until 10:30 that I had missed them.  So I decided to go home and when I was getting in my car I saw my Y friends pull up. So I was actually right on time. The guy that invitiated me was happy that I came. It wasn’t what I expected. I thought it was going to be a nervous night for me, and that I would be uncomfortable but I wasn’t. I was relaxed and enjoyed myself.

I did eat dinner before I went so I wouldn’t be hungry when I got there. I did order something when I got there cause everyone else was eating and I didn’t want anyone to harrass me about not eating and being too worried about my weight. I only had two small pieces of chicken, and then I ordered a drink. I normally don’t drink at all but what the hell. I need to live a little bit. I ordered a long island raspberrry ice tea. It was great. The waitress brought 2 but I only drank one. It turned out to be a nice night. The that invited me told me he goes out to other places to dance and stuff with wife and I’m welcome to go with them when they go. It was nice. This was more my speed than going out with my other friend that gets drunk. Although these people can all drink, and I found out a lot of gossip about the Y people, the people that go there and the trainers/teachers of the classes. It changes my thinking about them a little bit. The guy that invited me to go even touched on my trainer and everyone there thinks my trainer is a hardworker and good people. I knew that already, and glad it was confirmed.

I gotta go…I gotta get to work. Talk to you later buddies. I am just so happy I went out. The old me would of sat home and sulked thinking I’m not good enough to go, but the new me went and had some fun!

The brand new digital scale at the Y is broken! LOL! It didn’t even last a week. My goodness. How am I suppose to get a reading of where I am and how I am doing. I hate going to the grocery store to weigh myself.

Last night I went to the Y. I got in 21 minutes of cardio…ran outside for a little over 2 miles with my friend J. She was looking for me and as soon as I got there she was like…do you want to run? She knows my goal of becoming a good runner outside. She runs really well and pushes me. After running we did about 10 minutes of weights and headed to Yoga. I love Yoga. The stretching is so good for my body after a run. Yesterday was a good day at the Y. I didn’t think J would be there but she was and it was good.

Today I’ll be alone at the Y again. I am not even sure I want to go. This has become a major problem for me. If I know my trainer or friend will not be there I don’t want to go any more. I have got to find the inner strength to get myself there and just get it done. I am not running today. I will run tomorrow. I might go on the elliptical or walk with some people I work with. The people I work with walk about 2 miles. They just started this fitness thing of walking after work. Most of them are out of shape and don’t do much but it’s something. I went last Thursday and it was so nice to just be outside working out instead of inside on a treadmill.

Gotta go. Talk to you later…

Been nervous and anxious lately. Training more often on my own, alone than with my personal trainer or my friend J. Last week was extremely hard to get to the Y. This week didn’t start off too well either. I really wasn’t feeling like going last night. I had to force myself to go. I did go and got in kickboxing, zumba and did some weights after that. Lately my motivation has gone out the window.

I use to go in the morning to the Y but I don’t even do that any more. I don’t have the motivation any more to wake up at 5:00 a.m. Although my alarm was set for 5:00 this morning I turned it off and slept an hour more. I use to get my cardio done early so I wouldn’t have to worry about it later on at night time, now I don’t even care. I think I am setting myself up to fail slowly but surely. It’s sad. I’m sad. I want to be happy and thought losing all this weight would make me happy, but it hasn’t.

I want my trainer to be my friend and I don’t think that will ever happen either. I want to be an athelet and strong. What would I do without my trainer to keep me accountable. I have no one else that would get on me like she does. I’d be fat in no time at all.

Real emotional lately…pmsing…trying to relax on the weekends but then when I do take a day off I start to feel guilty that I’m not exercising or doing more to lose weight. I am still 137! It’s been like 3 months or so. Last night I was even 139 but I just ate before I weighed. I don’t think I’m going to lose any more weight. I am feeling hopeless.

I didn’t go the YMCA yesterday, instead I walked after work with my friends for about two miles. It was great to have a different routine. The weather was fantastic outside with a cool breeze. It did me good to be outside and not be inside like a gym rat. I didn’t feel the stress of going and I treated myself to dinner after the walk.

I need to relax more often and take time for me. I don’t think I’m sleeping enough either.

Been doing ok. Still 137ish. Wonder if all this effort is for nothing. I am not giving up by any means…I’d just like to see the scale go down. Oh, great news! After like 2 months of no scale at the YMCA they have a new digital scale. Although yesterday it wasn’t my friend so much at a 137 reading. I just have to work that much harder. When I think of losing the rest of my weight it seems like I’ll never be able to do it. Then as I was driving home and comparing myself to my trainer I realized that I’m only 17 more then her. She is 124ish. This gave me great hope. It doesn’t seem like a lot 17 lbs at all. I’m eating more…I know that. My portions aren’t like they use to be. I’m trying new foods. I’m allowing some desserts back in. Sometimes I feel out of control.

This past weekend was great though. I tried on dresses and I looked great…size 6 I was so happy. Monday’s training went awesome. By Wednesday I was tired and feeling bad again How can that happen in 2 days? I want to feel good all the time. Sheesh…

I know I’m not around much any more. Just going to the Y and working. I might be going a cruise in May with some YMCA friends! I am so excited about that…that’s why I was trying on dresses this weekend.

Gotta go. One more class to teach and then I’m walking outside for a change.