doreyt

Ran some more this morning on the treadmill. Thought it would be easier since I have been going outside to run. Nope, it’s not easier it was harder and my time was was like 34 minutes or something. Last night went running with trainer. It wasn’t that good. We started off and I got tired quickly, around the 1 mile point. We slowed down but then I had to keep stopping. It was hotter outside, we ran faster and it just wasn’t all that. My time she says was 29.50 or something. So I beat my goal of 30 minutes. I’m not sure I believe her though. I sometimes think she tells me what I want to hear. I wasn’t happy with the run. She said she started off too fast for me and next time she will know she has to be slower in the beginning. That’s good.

Later on we went inside to do abs and Fernando comes up and we start chatting about running and then he invites me to the 5k Gasperilla run in Tampa. I told him I’d have to think about it. My first reaction in my head was no way…I can’t do it, but trainer girl was there and I’m suppose to be positive. It’s at the end of February and she said we can train for it. I did go online to research it and no ipods are allowed. Can you believe that? I can’t run well with my ipod and I’m useless without it. I don’t think I can do the Gasperilla race. I don’t even know if I want to do it. It’s more of a fear of being with the people I don’t know and the crowds. I hate that. I don’t know these people well that I would be going with. I just see them at the Y. I’m like super shy. What would I have to say to them. Fernando is married. His wife is not running…she will be waiting at the end. Trainer girl told me to live outside of the box. I’m safe in my box. It’s $30.00 to run…not much. I’ve gotta keep thinking about it. I was hoping trainer girl would say she would run with me in that race but she didn’t. I don’t know if I can do it without her pushing me. Oh well….

Been running with trainer lately outside. It’s one of my goals for the new year. My goal is to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. First time I went out with trainer this year it was 32 min., last time it was 30.2 mins. I didn’t stop once or complain once. I ran the whole thing and tried to go faster. She mentioned running to me today and then I got to thinking that I’d have to run a 9 minute mile in order to be under 30 minutes. I told her that and she was like what’s the point…the point is that I usually run a 12 minute mile inside on a treadmill and to run a 9 min. mile I’d have to be going much faster. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t think I could do it. She doesn’t want to hear that and this is MY goal not hers. She can run. She runs a mile in 7 mins. Sheesh…I must really slow her down when she takes me out there to run. This realization makes me sad. I am doing so much better for myself with running but over all I am still slow. Just to hear I have to run a 9 minute mile makes me anxious and fill up with anxiety. I don’t even feel like running tonight and now I’m all nervous about it. I don’t have a stop watch to tell me the time when I run so I wasn’t tracking myself, but I recently found a cool feature on my ipod. It has a stop watch! I found it yesterday in the tool section. Tonight if I do go running with her I will be able to use it and see how fast I am going. Now that I know what I have to do I have to make a plan on how to do it. I’ve got to figure out where to speed up and where I can relax in the run. There prob. will be no relaxing for me cause a 9 minute mile is going to be fast for me running. Sometimes it’s better not knowing.

This year is suppose to be great. It’s not turning out that way so far. I’m still in the 137-140 lbs. range. The weight just doesn’t want to come off no matter how hard I work out. Last night with trainer I was just awful…she had a new routine and I hated everything we did and I told her. She didn’t care though which made it even worse. I did everything she wanted complaining the whole damn way. It was bad. I was sad. I think what set it off was that she said she would come and run with me before working out if she didn’t have this one client…she didn’t call me to tell me she wasn’t coming and that she had a client. I think she forgot about running with me all together. She is very forgetful. I’m getting sick of her crap. She is always late for one reason, kids, dog, just can’t get there on time. Then the forgetfulness…I also have this friend that is trying to get me to stop training with her. She thinks I’m wasting my money and can do it myself. She said if it was her she would find a new trainer. How do I find a new trainer after everything I’ve been through with her? I want to be her friend. She will never be my friend, she is only my trainer. I have to realize this. It makes me sad. I want more from her than she can give.

On a positive note, my friend was at the Y and I ran outside with her. I am getting better running outside…slowly. This friend doesn’t stay with me when we run though, she takes off is always like a block or two ahead of me. My trainer always stays with me. I don’t know what is better. I should start to run outside by myself.

Took Yoga yesterday. I am really loving Yoga. It’s very relaxing and I like to go to my happy place.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my attitude. I need to be nice to my trainer. She had done so much for me. I’m not overwhelmed by work…I am not overwhelmed by working out cause I stopped those WOW classes. I just don’t know what it is. I am still waking up at 5:30 on Tuesday and Thursday to do my cardio though. Maybe I should just cut that out and go at night. I don’t know. I’ve got to come up with some solution so that I am happy again. I’m just feeling stressed and I don’t know why or where it’s coming from.

Thanks for listening…gotta go. Have a great day!

Since I didn’t go to my last WOW class this morning I had to go to the Y at night time. I took powerflex and then with a friend we did cardio…ran/walked for 5 miles. It was good. I spotted her while she did some weights afterwards. It was a nice night at the Y. I am glad I went. It took a lot to get me there. I kept talking to myself and telling myself that I don’t want to be fat again so I have to work out and it got me to the Y.

Doing better with the food. I didn’t go to the last WOW class this morning. I was just too tired and slept in. I think it was more of me not wanting the teacher of that class to ask me if I was signing up again. I am not signing up for that class again it’s just too early in the morning and its to much on my body. I need to go tonight to the Y, I haven’t been today and I just don’t feel like going. Maybe I will feel better later on and get some energy to do powerflex this evening.

I just need to get a life. I need a new focus…something other than food.

I’ve been doing awful…eating chocolate, making chocolate cookies…wanting to eat everything in my site. I can’t seem to control my cravings. I am eating more snacks than I should. I feel like I am sinking and just can’t keep up this life style any more. My schedule will be easier next week because I am going to be finished with the one WOW class (weight class). That is on Tues. and Thurs. and I have to wake up at 4:00 am to get to the Y in time to do cardio and than the class. I just seem very overwhelmed. I’m into my food way too much. I don’t have any other focus. YMCA friend are inviting me to go out to eat with to buffet lunches and I’m actually going. I’m doing pretty good at the buffets but I think that sets me off to eat more the rest of the day and weekend. I am going to have to learn to say no even to my YMCA friends. It’s hard because I want to be included and want to have friends. My one friend J lives at the Y. She can afford to eat anything she wants, I cannot do that. I’m not J. I’m me. I have to watch everything I put into my mouth.

It doesn’t help that I have my period right now and very emotional too. I’m up and down on the scale 137-142…it won’t go lower than that. I’m having trouble cutting out carbs…I just love them so much. I want my motivation back…I want my enthusiasm back. I can’t find it. Any advice?

Well…I’ve gotta run…work calls.

I took it easy today. I did about an hour of cardio only. 10 minutes on the elliptical (1 mile) and 50 mins. jogging and walking on the treadmill (3 miles). Tomorrow is another long big day and I’m not sure I’m up to it. There is the basic fit run that I couldn’t do last week …I could start with that and then boot camp, kickboxing, powerflex, dancercise. I am committed to losing this weight. Sometimes it gets overwheming worrying about it so much. If I don’t worry about it I feel like I am failing and out of control. I always have to be on top of it or I’ll lose my motivation or something that keeps me going.