doreyt

I have two weeks off for winter break, so I thought I would take all the classes like I did this summer. I did the fitness run on Friday morning, my friend J begging me to come. Well she tells me it’s 1.5 miles and I think that’s a lot but managable. Turns out it’s 2.5 miles and all the women there are runners. I am a treadmill runner. It’s totally different than running outside. For some reason I cannot run well outside. Anyway, I start off with J, can’t hang with her cause she wants to be in front of the pack. So there are like 5 girls in a group with one of the teachers ahead of me, and then one 80 year old woman with the other teacher behind me. I am running in a neighborhood that I don’t know well by myself. The teacher with the 80 year old came and asked if I wanted to turn around or keep going and finish the run cause he would have to take the 80 year old woman back. I said I would continue and I did. I did finish…however, I don’t think I’ll ever go out there and run again with them. I felt like a failure. I felt dumb. Not fit. I felt fat. You name it I felt it. There was another run on Monday but I didn’t go. Normally I’m at work so I don’t have to worry about it. The one trainer that finished first, did come back for me and so did my friend after they finished and I finished with them. That was so thoughtful of them. I guess I’m not ready for running outside.

On a positive note, I fit into a small in an exercise pant. LOL. It was one of my goals to fit into a size small one day and I can do it. I also fit into a size 4 pair of jeans. Only some of them though. Today I tried on clothes and they did not fit so well. But I did buy a great coat at the store for like $8.00! It was meant for me, cream color and makes me look thin.

Someone at the gym yesterday said I looked sexy walking in…she saw me in the summer time and now sees me in my size small pants…lol. I needed that because lately I have been wanting to eat and feeling fat. I’m just having a hard time of it. The smaller I get the harder it gets. The more I have to work for it. It’s not enough to do just weights, or just cardio. I have to do both and more of each to get lower. It’s just hard. I want it to be easier. I love food. Yeah, I know, I’m complaining. I’m blessed but it does get so hard.

I’m  hating my skin too. Now I have saggy skin It’s awful. I knew this would happen. It’s not much but I did talk to my trainer about my fat stomach and she suggested I get it cut off. Yeah, just cut it off. I haven’t told my trainer this, but when she makes me do jumping exercises…I hate them…that I do tell her…but I haven’t told her why I hate them. It’s because I hear my fat flapping when I come down from the jump. Is that sad or what? My trainer is a size 0/2. She already sympathizes with me. I’ve confided so much in her already but that I’m not sure I can share that with her, it’s just too embarassing.

She had me make a flyer for her to advertise her training and she wanted my before and after pictures on the flyers. She was so happy with my pictures.  Not the pictures here, but different ones. I’ll post the pictures I used for the flyer soon so you can see in the next couple of days. It is amazing how much I’ve changed, and sometimes I’m just not satisfied. Will I ever be skinny enough? Healthy enough? Will I ever love myself enough and accept myself? I’m struggling with this daily. I thought once I got thinner I would have everything I wanted…love, romance, happiness. It’s not like that at all.

Well my friends…I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later Hope everyone had a Blessed Christmas and Happy New Year!

On Tuesdays now I wake up at 4:00 a.m. to get to another YMCA closer to my job so I can take that class WOW (Woman on Weights). I am so tired right now…10:00 a.m. The work out today was good. I ran 1.6 miles before and 1.5 after the class. Two of the other woman in the class were not there so it was just one other person with me training with the trainer. It worked out great.
We moved quickly through the stations and I worked up a sweat. My personal trainer didn’t think I would really get a good work out doing this but I actually think it’s not so bad. Of course this new trainer doesn’t push me as hard as my other one. She doesn’t know me yet, but she will. LOL

Well…I gotta get to work. I’ll talk to you all later. Have a great day.

I’m getting over my cold slowly but surely. Friday at work we had a big meeting telling us that district is going to start laying off people because there is a 40 million dollar budget cut. This is really nice to hear right before the holidays. I work in an elementary school and I’m an assistant. As an assistant, the majority of us think we will be let go first. All though the superintendant doesn’t want to lay anyone off there is no other option now. So I might be jobless in the New Year. I’m trying not to think too much about it and have faith that my job will be spared. It’s hard to do that with the way the economy is and everyone losing their jobs lately. I’m sure if any of us are let go we will find out this week before winter break and the New Year because so they won’t have to pay out new benefits for us.

My workouts have been good this past week considering. Today I ran about 4 miles and then walked to equal 5 something miles. I’m getting better at running. Trainer said last time I saw her that I need to work to fatigue. I don’t ever do that. I work up until a certain point and get a little tired and stop. She hates that. It’s hard to work that hard. I don’t know why. That is one of my goals to work toward muscle fatigue.I started a new class on Tuesday and Thursdays. It’s called WOW = Woman on Weights. The first class was all good then the teacher had to go out of town cause something was up with her mom and we had a sub. The sub for some reason didn’t take to me very well. I didn’t take to her either. At one point she even said I hope you don’t think I’m picking on you…well…gee…let me see…every excerise I do she told me my form was off…or I was just not doing it right…no that’s not picking on me. Then she asked me how long I’ve been with the class and I said one other time. I felt like she was trying to intimadate me. I didn’t allow that to happen I continued on with the routine. I was the last one to be finished but I didn’t care I got individual attention at the end. I think what pissed me off in the beginning was that I was there at 5:30…the class starts at 5:30. I did my warm up prior to the class starting like the teacher said to do. Well…I get there and she wouldn’t start because the other girls didn’t warm up yet…so she put me back on the treadmill for like 3 more minutes. I just ran a mile…give me a break…she didn’t want me to cool down. I think my facial expression showed her how much I liked her suggestion and that started off on the wrong foot. Hey, but that won’t stop me from going. It’s a challenge. The more she picks on me the more my form will be perfect, damn it! I’ll get it right one of these days…lol. What she says will only help me succeed to where I want to be. She doesn’t know that though. I’m thinking that she’ll be our teacher this coming Tuesday too. Then the regular teacher might be back. We’ll see. It can only get better. I’m going to be positive about it.

I hope everyone is doing well out there. I haven’t been around much…just so busy and into life off the net. I’m around 140 now. I weighted with just bra and panties on and one day it even said 138. I hope it stays that way for tomorrow when I weigh at the Y. My goal for this month is 140…oh man and that’s like the week after this one. I better work my butt off some more to make sure I make that mini goal. Gotta get trainer girl a Christmas gift…any suggestions? For her birthday that just pasted I got her a necklace and some wine…the wine is called “Bitch”. She saw it and laughed. She was curious where I got it from. It was a good gift for her. I wanted to get something special for her cause she’d done so much for me but I don’t know what. Oh well…I’ll keep thinking.

Talk to you guys tomorrow. 

I’m a little bit sick…cold or allergies…nose all stuffed up But that didn’t stop me from my workouts. I went last night and this morning I’ve started a new class. It’s called woman with weights. It’s a small group just 3 of us with a personal trainer and she takes us around from machine to machine. It’s a good work out, not as good as if I were personally training alone with someone but it’s better than being by myself. My personal trainer wasn’t too happy when I told her I wanted to do this class but I am doing it anyway. She warned me not to over work my body and that my body needs a break. I think it will be ok. I ran after the workout for about 1.5 miles. I am getting better at running. I don’t mind it so much now. lol…each time I say that I remember how far I’ve come…back in January I was scared to even run on a treadmill. What a year will do!

Gotta get to work just wanted write a quick something today. Have a great day!