doreyt

I went to the Y this morning. I know I said I wasn’t going to do that any more but I’m back to the morning. I think on the days I do not train it’s easier for me to go in the morning and less crowed. I walked 2.3 miles, and if I want to go tonight I can go too. But at least I won’t feel guilty if I don’t go tonight and am tired. Last week I just couldn’t get myself to the Y on Tuesday and Wednesday so I think on those days I’ll go in the morning.

My trainer wanted me to switch times and days and both are not good for me. I told her I’d think about it and e-mail her. She wants to fit another person in on the same days as I train and my schedule has to be changed to do that. I don’t understand that. I had the appointment first. I don’t know if I am not being understanding or what…but I feel like I shouldn’t have to change my schedule to fit this other person in. My trainer had the nerve to tell me that I could have the later time and she was working with me when I told her I don’t like the idea of training on Wednesday. Please! She is working with me? Let me get this straight - if I were to switch I’d be working with her. I guess I’m not compassionate because the other woman works from home for goodness sake…and can make her own hours/come any time she wants, but I work in a school. I can’t do that. I wrote my trainer back and told her that she knew from the beginning that I couldn’t do Wednesday or Friday but any other day is open…so I hope she understands. If not, I might be looking for another trainer…:( I hope not though. It’s not my problem that she wants us on the same day to save gas money…she lives 15 nnins. from the Y and drives a big suv. Is it? It just bothers me…

Back at the Y doing my cardio for the last couple of days. Last week was hard to go to the Y and I was a little down. This week is starting off much better. Yesterday and today I went and did my cardio. Feeling much better. I went shopping this weekend and usually get depressed if I don’t fit into a size 18. I was ok fitting into a size 20 this weekend in some things. One store I go to their name brand I take a 20 in and I am ok with that…other brands, such as Ralph Lauren and Liz for Woman I do take an 18. I am thrilled with that cause I haven’t been in a size 18/20 in years.

I’m still 202. One day this week it should go down. Not even depressed about that. I’m just going to put my all into my workouts and enjoy life. I do feel better since I’ve started to exercise and I have more endurance. I am not going to wait any more to live life…until I’m skinny…I’m going to start living life right now. New attitude

This week I went to work out on Monday and thought I was going to be measured and weighed…not so I got weighed and measured on Thursday. I didn’t make my mini-goal and didn’t think I would on Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday I didn’t work out at all…I was just so tired and came home and napped instead of going to the Y.

Last night I went to work out with my trainer and walked again for 2 miles. It was hard getting into the walking again but I did it. Over all I lost 12lbs in one month and many inches even if I didn’t make my goal of 200. Next month my goal is 192. Hopefully I get on it and do it!

I went and worked out with trainer. It  was a good work out. We didn’t weigh or measure today I didn’t say anything…and she remembered in the middle of the of our training session that it should be today…but we both realized that it was the 24th not the 21st…so Thrusday is the day we will weigh. I have 3 more days to lose 2 lbs :)  Go me!

My trainer knew something was wrong almost immediately when I saw her. I told her nothing. Then she asked me how work was and I told her I didn’t go I went to the doctor instead, but I didn’t tell her about the lump on my back. I just couldn’t tell her…I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s hard to share…I’m scared I’ll cry or something…or I don’t want to see her reaction and have her pity me, I guess. I did e-mail her and let her know what was going on. So she eventually will know but I don’t have to see her reaction.

Went to the doctor and he said it was fatty lymphoma. That is good news. It’s not cancer, it’s a big ball of fat. He even did a little dance when he saw how much weight I lost. He was so happy. I asked him if it will ever go away and he said prob. not, but might shrink if I keep losing weight, but this thing can get bigger and grow forever! I don’t like the sound of that. If it grows bigger or hurts I can always have surgery to remove it he said. I guess I should be happy and relieved.

I weighed in on his scale 202.8. Sheesh…not going to make my mini-goal weight tonight at the Y. The Y’s scale is always more then my doctor’s scale.  My goal was to be 200 by this time and it didn’t happen. Oh well…I am upset about it and maybe that’s why I don’t want to go tonight…I don’t want to see myself not acheive my mini-goal and I really don’t want want to not acheive it in front of my trainer.   It’s embarrassing to not have achieved my mini-goal…I know I should give myself a break. I think last month I was 214 and I did lose 12 lbs this month so I shouldn’t be depressed I should be happy any way.  Maybe my trainer will forget it’s measurements and we can do it a different day. That would give me some extra time to lose more weight…hehehe…oh well. Whatever….   

I’m going today to find out what the lump on my back is at the doctor. It just popped up on Saturday after my workout. It is so odd. I am so worried about it and have been praying that it isn’t anything serious. I’ll let you all know later on tonight.

I’m suppose to go to the trainter tonight at the Y and don’t even want to do that now. I have to take measurements and weigh in and I’m not sure I’ll be 200 or under. My goal for this month was to be 200 lbs. I’d rather skip the work out and just not do it, with that lump on my back it’s all I can focus on. Hopefully the doctor will give me good news and I’ll be relieved and pumped enough to exercise. 

I was tired again today, and didn’t want to go to the Y, but pushed myself. I walked/ran for 10 minutes…big deal for me…cause last time I tried that for 10 minutes I couldn’t do it on my own. This time I was determined to do it. After walking/running I walked the rest the time…playing around with the incline and speed. In total I walked over 3 miles which is good for me. I usually do 2 or 2.5 miles. 

I weighed myself today 204. I weigh in on Monday and take my monthly measurements with trainer. We set my goal for this month to 200…I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’m a little upset about it already.

Anyway after I got home from working out at the gym I was going to take a shower noticed my back - it was swollen…just on the left side. I couldn’t believe it and don’t know what it’s from…of course I’m worried about it. I am hoping it was from the hard work out on Thurday and me PMSing. But other thoughts are going through my head now. It doesn’t hurt if I touch it, and there is no pain there. I did a lot of work with the shoulders on Thurday, and maybe that’s all that it is…but still it is scaring me.  I’ll keep an eye on it for a few days and ice it. If it doesn’t go down then I’ll have to go to the doctor and have it checked out

Why when I’m doing so well all these obsticles get in my way?

I didn’t go the Y today. I stopped going to the Y in the morning  because I was too darn tired by the time I was done work at 4 to do anything else. It was too much. My trainer wanted to weigh me on Monday and we did. I said we should wait cause we weighed on Thursday but we weighed anyway…I gained a 1.5. I tried to let it go. I tried to make it like - oh it’s no big deal, but inside I was upset and sad. She knew it and was sorry she asked me to weigh.

Tuesday I came home from work tired, took a nap and then went to the Y. I didn’t push myself…I took it easy. Walked my 2 miles and came home. I did weigh myself again when I went, down one pound. Then that night I sat down and started to count calories. I know I’m not in my target heart range either when I’m working out. I’ve got to be below.

Today, I was tired too, but had no desire to go the Y. I came home and played on my computer, answered e-mails, took a bath, took a nice long nap, ate dinner, and here I am. I have a treadmill here at the house, but don’t even feel like walking now. I feel like going back to sleep. I know I should walk, it will make me feel better and I’ll be proud of myself that I did it, but sometimes it’s just not enough to know what you should do and then do it. Right now I’m thinking of how many more calories I’m allowed for today and getting my snack in before bed. 

Today was ok. All my food wasn’t clean. There was another going away party for my friend at church and they had a brunch. A lot of egg dishes…some even with egg beaters, but other stuff mixed in I shouldn’t eat. I took 3 different egg dishes the least evil in my mind and some fresh fruit. I ate one of the egg dishes I took and the other two I tasted but left….I knew they were too rich and not good for my body. I was happy that I pushed them aside.

I got home and was so tired - I went to the Y at 2:00 anyway. I walked for 5 minutes and then I tried to run…one minute of running and one minute of walking. I want to push myself to do more. I started off great…but didn’t get far. I only lasted running two minutes and then my calves started to burn so much I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to finish my 45 of walking. :( Friday when I ran with my trainer this happened too, but she made me continue for 10 mintues. I guess I need to build up my calf muscles. It’s so not fair that it should hurt so much I have to stop. I guess I’ll just run 2 minutes until it stops burning…then I’ll up it a minute.

Feeling a little down, wishing the weight the would come off quicker, wanting to do more exercise (run) but just not there yet. Going back to work tomorrow, hopeful the kids will be well behaved. Will train tomorrow with trainer, not sure if we will weigh or not…

Yesterday’s work out with my trainer was all good. We did a 100 reps…where I went around to several different machines and did 25 reps then switched to another machine for another 25 until we got to a 100. I even ran on the treadmill again. Yes, it was just as hard as the first time but this time I wasn’t scared At the end she gave me the option of lunging or running…I picked running…she was def. surprised. Not sure why I picked running, I’ve gotten pretty darn good at lunging…guess after trying to lunge in the dressing room the other day I thought it best I run. Didn’t experience the runners high yet…maybe one day…hehehe…

Went out to eat with friends last night. I knew all my food wouldn’t be clean before I got there and was ok with that. One of my good friends is moving and we had a goodbye cake for her. I did have a piece and do not feel guilty. I am allowing myself to cheat once in awhile now. At first I would never cheat but now I’m trying to work things in slowly and not be to anal about anything. It’s gotta be a lifestyle change…not just short term.

Gotta go…I have an appointment to get contacts. Want contacts so I don’t have to wear my glasses to the gym and have them slide down my face while I workout.